A TEXT POST

WHEN A BAD IDEA GOES WORSE:

I’m a man that loves a shitty movie. I’m a born and bred Troma fan, a man that loves all things b-grade and cheap. Hell, I own a bunch of the MST3K movies WITHOUT the wise cracking robots. This movie, however…Fuck this movie!

The concept seemed genius when I first read about it. A group of classic monsters rounded up and forced to compete in a wrestling event to the death. I thought that sounded like a cool idea. Unfortunately that’s exactly what I got….exactly.

Save for a few short vignette which show how the monsters get conscripted into battle, there is nothing but monsters wrestling…and when I say wrestle, I mean old-school WRASSLIN complete with lots of clothslines and elbows. Still sound cool? It’s not. No story whatsoever, no real characterizations, no real ending.

The monsters look pretty good…except Swamp Gut and Zombie Man, who look pretty thrown together…and Cyclops looks fairly ridiculous…I guess the monsters kinda suck, too.

Hmmm…You get to see Herb Dean die. That’s something, I guess…Boy, I wish this piece of shit was better.

A TEXT POST

NEON MANIACS

I am very much aware that I should not like this movie. I know  that it is, at best, a third tier 80’s slasher/monster film that everyone else has forgotten, if they ever were aware of it in the first place. I don’t care, I love it!

The movie starts like every other slasher movie in the 80’s, with a van full of horny, nameless teens looking for a dangerous place to screw each other among the local fauna. Enter maniac of the moment to slay them in interesting ways. Rinse and repeat.

The maniacs in question are a gang of zombie-like demons who live in the Brooklyn Bridge. (yeah, I never got that part, either. I wasn’t aware there was a sprawling city of monsters nestled in the struts of a suspension bridge. Of course, I’m not an architect. I guess it could be some sort of zoning code. “Ok, so we’ll have to put the monster catacombs here…”  These bad guys decided to really work a theme around their kill weapon of choice, so you end up with Samurai, who is dressed for the part complete with a katana and Mohawk, who’s dressed like an Indian with a tomahawk.  I feel kinda bad for the ape guy, who has to make do with just being hairy and an albino. He definitely pulled the short straw on that one. It’s basically G.I Joe of the undead. Anyway, the Neon Maniacs (never made entirely clear what makes them “neon”, either.  I guess everything in the 80’s was kinda neon) kill off the van load of teenagers, leaving the one virgin alive.  You know this because she proclaims herself to be a virgin…several times. 

The virgin and her pseudo-rocker boyfriend spend the rest of the movie running from the maniacs and trying to convince the local cops of their existence. Ummm. The monsters existence, not the virgin and the pseudo-rockers existence. The cops are pretty sure those two are real.  Luckily, their super  annoying “Precocious young” friend  (who  is supposed to be about twelve but has to be closer to 30. Clearly she’s young, just look at the angle of that hat. I hate this character soooooo much.) has also stumbled upon the maniacs and has learned of their one weakness. Water.

Yes, this gang of vicious, accessorizing monsters who live inside a fucking bridge are  DESTROYED BY WATER! How the hell have they survived  this long to begin with?

Anyway, somehow the maniacs follow our “heros” to the High School gym during the battle of the bands…’cuz if the 80’s taught us anything, it’s that at all times, there is a battle of the bands going on in every small town all across America. It’s actually worked into every town charter.

The whole things culminates in squirt guns and fire hoses and the virgin no longer virginized during a brief break in the action. You know the drill. This movie is terrible in all the right ways. Terrible acting, terrible music, terrible 80’s fashion, tenuous plot devices…all of it is on full display here. If you ever wanted to see the Village People turned into zombies and go on a killing spree, this is your movie.

A TEXT POST

THINGS…CHALLENGE EXCEPTED.

So, I was reading through the first volume of the indispensable Cinema Sewer (which, if you are a fan of sleazy/ cheesy/ exploitative weirdo movies, you absolutely must own. Seriously, here’s an Amazon link:

http://www.amazon.com/Cinema-Sewer-Historys-Sickest-Sexiest/dp/1903254450/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1329161689&sr=8-3

buy all 3 volumes immediately. I’m not shilling for them, they’re just the best mags written on the subject matter, bar none…anyway…) and read an article on what they considered the most heinously bad horror movie ever created. After some consideration, these most learned of individuals came to a consensus…and that consensus was the 1989 Canadian produced THINGS.

Referred to as an “endurance test that few can pass in the first viewing” this film is apparently the pinnacle of the trash heap. The very top of the very bottom. A movie so bad that even veteran B and C movie aficionados cringed at its very utterance…

Well, how could I possibly pass up such a clear challenge. I’ve just placed my order with Amazon…I’ll be sure to keep you posted, all zero readers!