A TEXT POST

NEON MANIACS

I am very much aware that I should not like this movie. I know  that it is, at best, a third tier 80’s slasher/monster film that everyone else has forgotten, if they ever were aware of it in the first place. I don’t care, I love it!

The movie starts like every other slasher movie in the 80’s, with a van full of horny, nameless teens looking for a dangerous place to screw each other among the local fauna. Enter maniac of the moment to slay them in interesting ways. Rinse and repeat.

The maniacs in question are a gang of zombie-like demons who live in the Brooklyn Bridge. (yeah, I never got that part, either. I wasn’t aware there was a sprawling city of monsters nestled in the struts of a suspension bridge. Of course, I’m not an architect. I guess it could be some sort of zoning code. “Ok, so we’ll have to put the monster catacombs here…”  These bad guys decided to really work a theme around their kill weapon of choice, so you end up with Samurai, who is dressed for the part complete with a katana and Mohawk, who’s dressed like an Indian with a tomahawk.  I feel kinda bad for the ape guy, who has to make do with just being hairy and an albino. He definitely pulled the short straw on that one. It’s basically G.I Joe of the undead. Anyway, the Neon Maniacs (never made entirely clear what makes them “neon”, either.  I guess everything in the 80’s was kinda neon) kill off the van load of teenagers, leaving the one virgin alive.  You know this because she proclaims herself to be a virgin…several times. 

The virgin and her pseudo-rocker boyfriend spend the rest of the movie running from the maniacs and trying to convince the local cops of their existence. Ummm. The monsters existence, not the virgin and the pseudo-rockers existence. The cops are pretty sure those two are real.  Luckily, their super  annoying “Precocious young” friend  (who  is supposed to be about twelve but has to be closer to 30. Clearly she’s young, just look at the angle of that hat. I hate this character soooooo much.) has also stumbled upon the maniacs and has learned of their one weakness. Water.

Yes, this gang of vicious, accessorizing monsters who live inside a fucking bridge are  DESTROYED BY WATER! How the hell have they survived  this long to begin with?

Anyway, somehow the maniacs follow our “heros” to the High School gym during the battle of the bands…’cuz if the 80’s taught us anything, it’s that at all times, there is a battle of the bands going on in every small town all across America. It’s actually worked into every town charter.

The whole things culminates in squirt guns and fire hoses and the virgin no longer virginized during a brief break in the action. You know the drill. This movie is terrible in all the right ways. Terrible acting, terrible music, terrible 80’s fashion, tenuous plot devices…all of it is on full display here. If you ever wanted to see the Village People turned into zombies and go on a killing spree, this is your movie.

A PHOTO

AWESOME POSTERS FOR TERRIBLE MOVIE: PART 1

Here’s a movie where absolutely nothing happens. See “scantily clad beauties” (pudgy extras in grandma panties) dance around and, apparently, sacrifice virgins to a shark God…or something. Roger Corman at his absolute worst.